I have measured where I am at and find myself wanting. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am in one place at the moment. And possibly for more than one year. I fell for the "free personality profile" on eHarmony only to find out that I have an "agreeable" attitude. But it begs the question: Why aren't I dating? I've always had a ready excuse as to why not. Unfortunately, like all excuses, this one has panned and I don't have another one with which to replace it other than: It's too hard to meet people. Mind you, I have not been known for being shy. But I have been known to be completely oblivious to the signals sent out by anyone in regards to interest. Blindsided more than once during my college years.
Most of this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been in any kind of serious relationship with a human in more than a decade..or ever. Depending on how you want to look at it. It isn't like I haven't seen possitive examples of ltrs that work. I have. In my own family at that! I just don't know that it could ever be me. I have more warts than some and perhaps fewer than others. I know that I need to work on my faults, but it is hard. Hard to figure out how to let someone in and then if they hurt you, how to get over it. I've seen my sisters torn up inside because the feelings they had weren't reciprocated. One of the bricks in the wall I've built around myself came from watching that. Of not wanting to ever be that vulnerable. Of not knowing how to get through/over it. Basically it all boils down to my being a chicken. The instant someone shows any kind of interest in me I run in the opposite direction, even if I may be wanting to run towards it. My logical side has never taken a break. It shook me up when I was out on tour and someone pinned me to a t, stating that I had a giant eff-off wall built around me. Did it change me then? No. Can I change it now? I haven't a clue.
What I do know is that I am tired of being alone, and yet I'm not ready to open myself up to hurt. Like the hurt of being rejected for who I am. Do I even deserve unconditional love...or even conditional love if I don't know how to return it? I don't think I do. And until I figure out how to open myself up to something like that, I will be destined to be alone, regardless of if I like it. I know that I have cared enough for two people in particular enough to let them close to me, and after that moment, let them walk out of my life. My heart retains a small bruise for each of them, but the ache isn't nearly as intolerable as a break would be. It's surprising how well one can ignore the wants of the heart with enough practice. But the nights alone leave nothing but time for the heart to remind the brain that it wants what it wants without caution, even if it is unattainable.