12 June, 2011

So if the last time I posted was 'ages ago', then this may equal eons.

Life has been busy. Working loads and trying to sort things out before grad school. That's right. I am taking that plunge. I am excited and worried and stressed all at the same time. Quite the roller coaster this is turning out to be.

Needless to say, posts may end up being even more infrequent. Some things may never change. ;)


15 December, 2010


Woah. It's been quite a while since I've posted last. Not for any good reason other than time getting away from me and the feeling of not needing to write. Not that I don't like to write, but lately it seems like that is all that I am doing.

I have been in the process of applying to grad schools. Again. I have some time to still apply to some schools, while others deadlines have passed. It doesn't ultimately bother me though as there are only a few schools that I am interested in. In regards to this I have been writing statements galore and am now in need of a digital portfolio. I am sure that costume production/technology programs will become more available in future, but a.t.m. there aren't a lot of choices.

Since the last post I now have two University jobs. I work in CCDET doing Quality Assurance for a state contract and I still work at running the costume shop. Albeit the latter is paid for in kind of a round about way.

On top of those two I am still working at Tommy Hilfiger when they decide to grace me with a few hours, IATSE 470 when there is gig work, the bridal store when I am home and have now started working on designs for "Romeo and Juliet" which goes up in April. Whew.

Speaking of IATSE work, I got my first show call when "Spamalot" was in town. Twice! It was great experience and well worth it. I really enjoyed working the show and being Sir Robin's plus one to the wedding.

Through the university theatre department we will be going to KCACTF Region III for the first time EVER. This is very exciting! I feel particularly proud as I designed one of the repeating props for the show. Hollywood 1-4 will have another chance in the limelight!

Well, this was a post full of random thoughts. Heh. Not much different from the real thing.


22 May, 2010


One little word, but with it comes a plethora of innuendo. I cannot claim to have it. In others or in myself. So how could I possibly date someone if I can't trust them even a little. It may have been the mitigating factor in my kicking Sam out. He broke it. And I am not sure that he can earn it back.

Still no news on the university job.

Also no news on the grad school front.

If I find my motivation photos of stuff (undefined for a reason) should show up eventually.


18 May, 2010

Soon to Follow

For the one follower who is out there, yes, pictures of work will be posted eventually. The "soon" in the title is perhaps a little misleading. I have yet to transfer them to my computer for various reasons, none of which are truly acceptable.

I have been giving more thought to grad school and will be speaking with one of them in the near future. The question that stands is if I can actually afford it. That may not be the case. Whelp...we will see where that one goes.

In other news, I have been feeling a little down and out. Life is so uncertain at this point that I want to shove as much certainty into it as possible. Like trips with friends and jazz like that. If I do do the grad school thing, a visit will be in order. A road trip buddy would be great. Someone other than my mother. That would be even greater.

Much randomness has been written, and more will probably follow at a much later date.


24 April, 2010

Forever and a Day

I realize that it has been ages since I have last updated, and I apologize.

Lately I have been feeling rather unmotivated and uninspired. While this has nothing to do with work, it does affect it. I go to work. I do my job. I get mediocre satisfaction. However, there are days when I feel like all I have accomplished was a line on a to-do list with no tangible results. On the other hand, there are times when I feel that I have accomplished tonnes at work and that it is benefiting everyone.

Perhaps this is all related to the fact that I am uncertain at this time that I even still have a job. The funding for the salary that I am paid has been taken away, and the department is trying (in vain) to secure funding for future years. But being the realist that I am, I know that it most likely means that I will no longer be gainfully employed come the middle of May. I am certain that this is one of the catalysts into my self doubt and mild depression. Yes, I have said it. I feel unfulfilled and pretty much blase about life in general. I know that Grad School is an option, but it is one that I am still on the fence about. When I was still pursuing the thoughts of a Grad program when I was a student I figured that I would take a few years off and then go back. But now I look at it and think that three years in a program could be three years of experience that would be directly beneficial.

My personal life is equally lacking in direction and substance. I have spent so much time worrying about work and letting life pass me by for the last 10 years that I have no idea who I am or what I even really want to do. Theatre? Yes. Of course. It is what I went to school for. But sometimes I wonder if I should have pursued something else. Something more linear perhaps? I don't know and I will never have an answer to that. And so long as I am being completely honest with myself I have also let my love life wither into non existence.

No, I am not being melodramatic. I have left every trail of bread crumbs to be eaten by hungry pigeons who simply fly away with possibilities. Yes, I have intentionally let some trails get eaten on purpose, but then there are the ones that I have watched from afar, never willing to get engaged with them. To follow them to see where it could lead. As I type this I realize that there is one trail that I would like to follow, but that there is really no need as the person on the other end is unable/unwilling to reciprocate the feelings. (Not that I have asked/spoken with said person. But the understanding was there from the start.) I will be the first to admit that the fact that I actually feel something for the person at the end is truly shocking. I can't even say how it happened. I was simply reflecting upon it one day and it was kind of a eureka moment. I suppose that this is similar to how Dan felt when I rejected him. I have always had an excuse as to why not date someone. I don' t have any reasons as to why I should though. And that scares me more than anything. The thought that I don't even find myself worthy of being with someone who cares for me. Case in point: Sam. Granted things with him moved way to fast, but I have since pushed him away. Not for any other reason than that I am not ready. Will I ever be? Who knows. What I do know is that I often think about my own insecurities and then wind up letting them get in the way of anything. Also that I talk about my failures in the relationship world on here a lot.

Rant is done, and so am I.


30 December, 2009

Seasons Greetings

Wow. It has, again, been a long time since I have last updated. So sorry to those of you who are checking up on me!

Where to begin? I suppose a short recap on 2009 is fitting as we approach the end of the year.

The year 2009 saw me ringing it in in The Netherlands while I was out on tour with Disney on Ice. It was a memorable occasion and I had fun. It was also, perhaps, the largest New Year's party that I have ever been to.

After finishing up with tour life in April I stayed with my host family, Christian and Claire for a few weeks. It was so wonderful to see them! I only wish that I could go back more often. I was also able to spend time with Philippe and his family while C&C were out of the country. I love my niece Melanie! She is wonderful and is growing up to be a fabulous young lady.

Shortly after returning to the states I decided that it was a good time to get braces to fix my cross bite, and so I have a literal metal chain holding me state side for at least two years. I am told that the pain is worth it. And I do hope that it works and does what it is supposed to. Otherwise I will also have to have jaw surgery. No more surgeries...

Speaking of, I had a partial hysterectomy in August to remove a large fibroid mass that was growing on my uterus. I still have ovaries, so no menopause here! I am healing well and am more than okay with the decision that I made.

After all of the medical drama settled down, I took a job at the University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh in the Theatre Department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Whew, long title. It is a part time position that is running the costume shop and supervising student workers. I am really enjoying it, though sometimes the hours can get to be long, especially during hell week. It is sometimes strange being back as a staff member at a school where I was a student, but we are all settling in just fine.

I have a wonderful apartment in Oshkosh. It was the last one that I looked at, and I am happy that I was still looking. It is large, spacious and affordable! The only down side is that it is the third floor walk up, so there are 55 stairs up and 55 stairs down. More if you go to the basement which is where the laundry is. My legs are certainly getting in shape!

Here is to hoping that the New Year brings good fortune and prosperity to all!


05 November, 2009

Stability in Motion

I have measured where I am at and find myself wanting. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am in one place at the moment. And possibly for more than one year. I fell for the "free personality profile" on eHarmony only to find out that I have an "agreeable" attitude. But it begs the question: Why aren't I dating? I've always had a ready excuse as to why not. Unfortunately, like all excuses, this one has panned and I don't have another one with which to replace it other than: It's too hard to meet people. Mind you, I have not been known for being shy. But I have been known to be completely oblivious to the signals sent out by anyone in regards to interest. Blindsided more than once during my college years.

Most of this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been in any kind of serious relationship with a human in more than a decade..or ever. Depending on how you want to look at it. It isn't like I haven't seen possitive examples of ltrs that work. I have. In my own family at that! I just don't know that it could ever be me. I have more warts than some and perhaps fewer than others. I know that I need to work on my faults, but it is hard. Hard to figure out how to let someone in and then if they hurt you, how to get over it. I've seen my sisters torn up inside because the feelings they had weren't reciprocated. One of the bricks in the wall I've built around myself came from watching that. Of not wanting to ever be that vulnerable. Of not knowing how to get through/over it. Basically it all boils down to my being a chicken. The instant someone shows any kind of interest in me I run in the opposite direction, even if I may be wanting to run towards it. My logical side has never taken a break. It shook me up when I was out on tour and someone pinned me to a t, stating that I had a giant eff-off wall built around me. Did it change me then? No. Can I change it now? I haven't a clue.

What I do know is that I am tired of being alone, and yet I'm not ready to open myself up to hurt. Like the hurt of being rejected for who I am. Do I even deserve unconditional love...or even conditional love if I don't know how to return it? I don't think I do. And until I figure out how to open myself up to something like that, I will be destined to be alone, regardless of if I like it. I know that I have cared enough for two people in particular enough to let them close to me, and after that moment, let them walk out of my life. My heart retains a small bruise for each of them, but the ache isn't nearly as intolerable as a break would be. It's surprising how well one can ignore the wants of the heart with enough practice. But the nights alone leave nothing but time for the heart to remind the brain that it wants what it wants without caution, even if it is unattainable.