24 April, 2010

Forever and a Day

I realize that it has been ages since I have last updated, and I apologize.

Lately I have been feeling rather unmotivated and uninspired. While this has nothing to do with work, it does affect it. I go to work. I do my job. I get mediocre satisfaction. However, there are days when I feel like all I have accomplished was a line on a to-do list with no tangible results. On the other hand, there are times when I feel that I have accomplished tonnes at work and that it is benefiting everyone.

Perhaps this is all related to the fact that I am uncertain at this time that I even still have a job. The funding for the salary that I am paid has been taken away, and the department is trying (in vain) to secure funding for future years. But being the realist that I am, I know that it most likely means that I will no longer be gainfully employed come the middle of May. I am certain that this is one of the catalysts into my self doubt and mild depression. Yes, I have said it. I feel unfulfilled and pretty much blase about life in general. I know that Grad School is an option, but it is one that I am still on the fence about. When I was still pursuing the thoughts of a Grad program when I was a student I figured that I would take a few years off and then go back. But now I look at it and think that three years in a program could be three years of experience that would be directly beneficial.

My personal life is equally lacking in direction and substance. I have spent so much time worrying about work and letting life pass me by for the last 10 years that I have no idea who I am or what I even really want to do. Theatre? Yes. Of course. It is what I went to school for. But sometimes I wonder if I should have pursued something else. Something more linear perhaps? I don't know and I will never have an answer to that. And so long as I am being completely honest with myself I have also let my love life wither into non existence.

No, I am not being melodramatic. I have left every trail of bread crumbs to be eaten by hungry pigeons who simply fly away with possibilities. Yes, I have intentionally let some trails get eaten on purpose, but then there are the ones that I have watched from afar, never willing to get engaged with them. To follow them to see where it could lead. As I type this I realize that there is one trail that I would like to follow, but that there is really no need as the person on the other end is unable/unwilling to reciprocate the feelings. (Not that I have asked/spoken with said person. But the understanding was there from the start.) I will be the first to admit that the fact that I actually feel something for the person at the end is truly shocking. I can't even say how it happened. I was simply reflecting upon it one day and it was kind of a eureka moment. I suppose that this is similar to how Dan felt when I rejected him. I have always had an excuse as to why not date someone. I don' t have any reasons as to why I should though. And that scares me more than anything. The thought that I don't even find myself worthy of being with someone who cares for me. Case in point: Sam. Granted things with him moved way to fast, but I have since pushed him away. Not for any other reason than that I am not ready. Will I ever be? Who knows. What I do know is that I often think about my own insecurities and then wind up letting them get in the way of anything. Also that I talk about my failures in the relationship world on here a lot.

Rant is done, and so am I.