For the one follower who is out there, yes, pictures of work will be posted eventually. The "soon" in the title is perhaps a little misleading. I have yet to transfer them to my computer for various reasons, none of which are truly acceptable.
I have been giving more thought to grad school and will be speaking with one of them in the near future. The question that stands is if I can actually afford it. That may not be the case. Whelp...we will see where that one goes.
In other news, I have been feeling a little down and out. Life is so uncertain at this point that I want to shove as much certainty into it as possible. Like trips with friends and jazz like that. If I do do the grad school thing, a visit will be in order. A road trip buddy would be great. Someone other than my mother. That would be even greater.
Much randomness has been written, and more will probably follow at a much later date.
*fin*
18 May, 2010
24 April, 2010
Forever and a Day
I realize that it has been ages since I have last updated, and I apologize.
Lately I have been feeling rather unmotivated and uninspired. While this has nothing to do with work, it does affect it. I go to work. I do my job. I get mediocre satisfaction. However, there are days when I feel like all I have accomplished was a line on a to-do list with no tangible results. On the other hand, there are times when I feel that I have accomplished tonnes at work and that it is benefiting everyone.
Perhaps this is all related to the fact that I am uncertain at this time that I even still have a job. The funding for the salary that I am paid has been taken away, and the department is trying (in vain) to secure funding for future years. But being the realist that I am, I know that it most likely means that I will no longer be gainfully employed come the middle of May. I am certain that this is one of the catalysts into my self doubt and mild depression. Yes, I have said it. I feel unfulfilled and pretty much blase about life in general. I know that Grad School is an option, but it is one that I am still on the fence about. When I was still pursuing the thoughts of a Grad program when I was a student I figured that I would take a few years off and then go back. But now I look at it and think that three years in a program could be three years of experience that would be directly beneficial.
My personal life is equally lacking in direction and substance. I have spent so much time worrying about work and letting life pass me by for the last 10 years that I have no idea who I am or what I even really want to do. Theatre? Yes. Of course. It is what I went to school for. But sometimes I wonder if I should have pursued something else. Something more linear perhaps? I don't know and I will never have an answer to that. And so long as I am being completely honest with myself I have also let my love life wither into non existence.
No, I am not being melodramatic. I have left every trail of bread crumbs to be eaten by hungry pigeons who simply fly away with possibilities. Yes, I have intentionally let some trails get eaten on purpose, but then there are the ones that I have watched from afar, never willing to get engaged with them. To follow them to see where it could lead. As I type this I realize that there is one trail that I would like to follow, but that there is really no need as the person on the other end is unable/unwilling to reciprocate the feelings. (Not that I have asked/spoken with said person. But the understanding was there from the start.) I will be the first to admit that the fact that I actually feel something for the person at the end is truly shocking. I can't even say how it happened. I was simply reflecting upon it one day and it was kind of a eureka moment. I suppose that this is similar to how Dan felt when I rejected him. I have always had an excuse as to why not date someone. I don' t have any reasons as to why I should though. And that scares me more than anything. The thought that I don't even find myself worthy of being with someone who cares for me. Case in point: Sam. Granted things with him moved way to fast, but I have since pushed him away. Not for any other reason than that I am not ready. Will I ever be? Who knows. What I do know is that I often think about my own insecurities and then wind up letting them get in the way of anything. Also that I talk about my failures in the relationship world on here a lot.
Rant is done, and so am I.
**fin**
Lately I have been feeling rather unmotivated and uninspired. While this has nothing to do with work, it does affect it. I go to work. I do my job. I get mediocre satisfaction. However, there are days when I feel like all I have accomplished was a line on a to-do list with no tangible results. On the other hand, there are times when I feel that I have accomplished tonnes at work and that it is benefiting everyone.
Perhaps this is all related to the fact that I am uncertain at this time that I even still have a job. The funding for the salary that I am paid has been taken away, and the department is trying (in vain) to secure funding for future years. But being the realist that I am, I know that it most likely means that I will no longer be gainfully employed come the middle of May. I am certain that this is one of the catalysts into my self doubt and mild depression. Yes, I have said it. I feel unfulfilled and pretty much blase about life in general. I know that Grad School is an option, but it is one that I am still on the fence about. When I was still pursuing the thoughts of a Grad program when I was a student I figured that I would take a few years off and then go back. But now I look at it and think that three years in a program could be three years of experience that would be directly beneficial.
My personal life is equally lacking in direction and substance. I have spent so much time worrying about work and letting life pass me by for the last 10 years that I have no idea who I am or what I even really want to do. Theatre? Yes. Of course. It is what I went to school for. But sometimes I wonder if I should have pursued something else. Something more linear perhaps? I don't know and I will never have an answer to that. And so long as I am being completely honest with myself I have also let my love life wither into non existence.
No, I am not being melodramatic. I have left every trail of bread crumbs to be eaten by hungry pigeons who simply fly away with possibilities. Yes, I have intentionally let some trails get eaten on purpose, but then there are the ones that I have watched from afar, never willing to get engaged with them. To follow them to see where it could lead. As I type this I realize that there is one trail that I would like to follow, but that there is really no need as the person on the other end is unable/unwilling to reciprocate the feelings. (Not that I have asked/spoken with said person. But the understanding was there from the start.) I will be the first to admit that the fact that I actually feel something for the person at the end is truly shocking. I can't even say how it happened. I was simply reflecting upon it one day and it was kind of a eureka moment. I suppose that this is similar to how Dan felt when I rejected him. I have always had an excuse as to why not date someone. I don' t have any reasons as to why I should though. And that scares me more than anything. The thought that I don't even find myself worthy of being with someone who cares for me. Case in point: Sam. Granted things with him moved way to fast, but I have since pushed him away. Not for any other reason than that I am not ready. Will I ever be? Who knows. What I do know is that I often think about my own insecurities and then wind up letting them get in the way of anything. Also that I talk about my failures in the relationship world on here a lot.
Rant is done, and so am I.
**fin**
30 December, 2009
Seasons Greetings
Wow. It has, again, been a long time since I have last updated. So sorry to those of you who are checking up on me!
Where to begin? I suppose a short recap on 2009 is fitting as we approach the end of the year.
The year 2009 saw me ringing it in in The Netherlands while I was out on tour with Disney on Ice. It was a memorable occasion and I had fun. It was also, perhaps, the largest New Year's party that I have ever been to.
After finishing up with tour life in April I stayed with my host family, Christian and Claire for a few weeks. It was so wonderful to see them! I only wish that I could go back more often. I was also able to spend time with Philippe and his family while C&C were out of the country. I love my niece Melanie! She is wonderful and is growing up to be a fabulous young lady.
Shortly after returning to the states I decided that it was a good time to get braces to fix my cross bite, and so I have a literal metal chain holding me state side for at least two years. I am told that the pain is worth it. And I do hope that it works and does what it is supposed to. Otherwise I will also have to have jaw surgery. No more surgeries...
Speaking of, I had a partial hysterectomy in August to remove a large fibroid mass that was growing on my uterus. I still have ovaries, so no menopause here! I am healing well and am more than okay with the decision that I made.
After all of the medical drama settled down, I took a job at the University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh in the Theatre Department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Whew, long title. It is a part time position that is running the costume shop and supervising student workers. I am really enjoying it, though sometimes the hours can get to be long, especially during hell week. It is sometimes strange being back as a staff member at a school where I was a student, but we are all settling in just fine.
I have a wonderful apartment in Oshkosh. It was the last one that I looked at, and I am happy that I was still looking. It is large, spacious and affordable! The only down side is that it is the third floor walk up, so there are 55 stairs up and 55 stairs down. More if you go to the basement which is where the laundry is. My legs are certainly getting in shape!
Here is to hoping that the New Year brings good fortune and prosperity to all!
**fin**
Where to begin? I suppose a short recap on 2009 is fitting as we approach the end of the year.
The year 2009 saw me ringing it in in The Netherlands while I was out on tour with Disney on Ice. It was a memorable occasion and I had fun. It was also, perhaps, the largest New Year's party that I have ever been to.
After finishing up with tour life in April I stayed with my host family, Christian and Claire for a few weeks. It was so wonderful to see them! I only wish that I could go back more often. I was also able to spend time with Philippe and his family while C&C were out of the country. I love my niece Melanie! She is wonderful and is growing up to be a fabulous young lady.
Shortly after returning to the states I decided that it was a good time to get braces to fix my cross bite, and so I have a literal metal chain holding me state side for at least two years. I am told that the pain is worth it. And I do hope that it works and does what it is supposed to. Otherwise I will also have to have jaw surgery. No more surgeries...
Speaking of, I had a partial hysterectomy in August to remove a large fibroid mass that was growing on my uterus. I still have ovaries, so no menopause here! I am healing well and am more than okay with the decision that I made.
After all of the medical drama settled down, I took a job at the University of Wisconsin - Oshkosh in the Theatre Department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Whew, long title. It is a part time position that is running the costume shop and supervising student workers. I am really enjoying it, though sometimes the hours can get to be long, especially during hell week. It is sometimes strange being back as a staff member at a school where I was a student, but we are all settling in just fine.
I have a wonderful apartment in Oshkosh. It was the last one that I looked at, and I am happy that I was still looking. It is large, spacious and affordable! The only down side is that it is the third floor walk up, so there are 55 stairs up and 55 stairs down. More if you go to the basement which is where the laundry is. My legs are certainly getting in shape!
Here is to hoping that the New Year brings good fortune and prosperity to all!
**fin**
05 November, 2009
Stability in Motion
I have measured where I am at and find myself wanting. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am in one place at the moment. And possibly for more than one year. I fell for the "free personality profile" on eHarmony only to find out that I have an "agreeable" attitude. But it begs the question: Why aren't I dating? I've always had a ready excuse as to why not. Unfortunately, like all excuses, this one has panned and I don't have another one with which to replace it other than: It's too hard to meet people. Mind you, I have not been known for being shy. But I have been known to be completely oblivious to the signals sent out by anyone in regards to interest. Blindsided more than once during my college years.
Most of this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been in any kind of serious relationship with a human in more than a decade..or ever. Depending on how you want to look at it. It isn't like I haven't seen possitive examples of ltrs that work. I have. In my own family at that! I just don't know that it could ever be me. I have more warts than some and perhaps fewer than others. I know that I need to work on my faults, but it is hard. Hard to figure out how to let someone in and then if they hurt you, how to get over it. I've seen my sisters torn up inside because the feelings they had weren't reciprocated. One of the bricks in the wall I've built around myself came from watching that. Of not wanting to ever be that vulnerable. Of not knowing how to get through/over it. Basically it all boils down to my being a chicken. The instant someone shows any kind of interest in me I run in the opposite direction, even if I may be wanting to run towards it. My logical side has never taken a break. It shook me up when I was out on tour and someone pinned me to a t, stating that I had a giant eff-off wall built around me. Did it change me then? No. Can I change it now? I haven't a clue.
What I do know is that I am tired of being alone, and yet I'm not ready to open myself up to hurt. Like the hurt of being rejected for who I am. Do I even deserve unconditional love...or even conditional love if I don't know how to return it? I don't think I do. And until I figure out how to open myself up to something like that, I will be destined to be alone, regardless of if I like it. I know that I have cared enough for two people in particular enough to let them close to me, and after that moment, let them walk out of my life. My heart retains a small bruise for each of them, but the ache isn't nearly as intolerable as a break would be. It's surprising how well one can ignore the wants of the heart with enough practice. But the nights alone leave nothing but time for the heart to remind the brain that it wants what it wants without caution, even if it is unattainable.
Most of this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been in any kind of serious relationship with a human in more than a decade..or ever. Depending on how you want to look at it. It isn't like I haven't seen possitive examples of ltrs that work. I have. In my own family at that! I just don't know that it could ever be me. I have more warts than some and perhaps fewer than others. I know that I need to work on my faults, but it is hard. Hard to figure out how to let someone in and then if they hurt you, how to get over it. I've seen my sisters torn up inside because the feelings they had weren't reciprocated. One of the bricks in the wall I've built around myself came from watching that. Of not wanting to ever be that vulnerable. Of not knowing how to get through/over it. Basically it all boils down to my being a chicken. The instant someone shows any kind of interest in me I run in the opposite direction, even if I may be wanting to run towards it. My logical side has never taken a break. It shook me up when I was out on tour and someone pinned me to a t, stating that I had a giant eff-off wall built around me. Did it change me then? No. Can I change it now? I haven't a clue.
What I do know is that I am tired of being alone, and yet I'm not ready to open myself up to hurt. Like the hurt of being rejected for who I am. Do I even deserve unconditional love...or even conditional love if I don't know how to return it? I don't think I do. And until I figure out how to open myself up to something like that, I will be destined to be alone, regardless of if I like it. I know that I have cared enough for two people in particular enough to let them close to me, and after that moment, let them walk out of my life. My heart retains a small bruise for each of them, but the ache isn't nearly as intolerable as a break would be. It's surprising how well one can ignore the wants of the heart with enough practice. But the nights alone leave nothing but time for the heart to remind the brain that it wants what it wants without caution, even if it is unattainable.
15 October, 2009
Whew! Long time no update. SO sorry about that one!
There isn't a whole lot of new stuff going on in my life at the moment. I have healed from the surgery with no major issues, so that is a plus.
I have moved back to Oshkosh to work part time in the theatre department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Long title, that basically translates into running the shop and watching the chillen's that work in the shop. I have moved in to my apartment which is right down town in Oshkosh and I love it. It is a third story walk up, so that has taken some getting used to, but it also means that I have outrageously high ceilings that are gorgeous. It's approximately 650 square feet, so big. Everything except cable is included, which is a big plus. I have to pay for parking to the city, but that isn't that big of a deal, just so long as I don't forget.
And now that I am no longer moving and feel like I will be in one place for a longer span of time than 8 months, I am thinking of testing the relationship waters. Not that I am seeing anyone or plan to do so anytime soon, but perhaps it is time to give up being alone. I think this has more to do with the long quiet hours of the evenings than anything else.
I didn't know this, until I went grocery shopping the other day, but Pick and Save has a LARGE bulk food section! The only other place that I have really seen it is at Whole Foods, and they are kind of shishi. It is exciting and will most likely be my source for nuts and other odds and ends. They even carry soy flour! Though I can't imagine wanting to buy the flour in bulk as there is no gurantee that it isn't contaminated with another type of flour.
**fin**
There isn't a whole lot of new stuff going on in my life at the moment. I have healed from the surgery with no major issues, so that is a plus.
I have moved back to Oshkosh to work part time in the theatre department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Long title, that basically translates into running the shop and watching the chillen's that work in the shop. I have moved in to my apartment which is right down town in Oshkosh and I love it. It is a third story walk up, so that has taken some getting used to, but it also means that I have outrageously high ceilings that are gorgeous. It's approximately 650 square feet, so big. Everything except cable is included, which is a big plus. I have to pay for parking to the city, but that isn't that big of a deal, just so long as I don't forget.
And now that I am no longer moving and feel like I will be in one place for a longer span of time than 8 months, I am thinking of testing the relationship waters. Not that I am seeing anyone or plan to do so anytime soon, but perhaps it is time to give up being alone. I think this has more to do with the long quiet hours of the evenings than anything else.
I didn't know this, until I went grocery shopping the other day, but Pick and Save has a LARGE bulk food section! The only other place that I have really seen it is at Whole Foods, and they are kind of shishi. It is exciting and will most likely be my source for nuts and other odds and ends. They even carry soy flour! Though I can't imagine wanting to buy the flour in bulk as there is no gurantee that it isn't contaminated with another type of flour.
**fin**
05 July, 2009
Parting of Ways
Hey there everyone.
I am writing this note to make all of you aware that I will be having surgery on August 4. 2009 to remove my uterus and the fibrous mass that is growing on it. While it is surgery, it is not dramatic, nor is is unexpected on my part. I learned about a month ago that I had a mass growing on my uterus and have since had a follow up appointment with Dr. AJ (Please don't ask me to spell out his name!) where we discussed my options.
Upon full disclosure about all of the options available to me, I made the decision to have the hysterectomy. I understand that some of you may feel that this is drastic, but I am sound in my mind that this is what I need to do. That and considering my other options were to leave it, remove just it (with a 40% recurrence rate), or remove it and what it was attached to. It will be done and over with and I shouldn't have to worry about any more surgeries or it growing back or any of that jazz.
Just wanted for you all to know what was going on. Good thoughts would be appreciated on the day of surgery.
*fin*
I am writing this note to make all of you aware that I will be having surgery on August 4. 2009 to remove my uterus and the fibrous mass that is growing on it. While it is surgery, it is not dramatic, nor is is unexpected on my part. I learned about a month ago that I had a mass growing on my uterus and have since had a follow up appointment with Dr. AJ (Please don't ask me to spell out his name!) where we discussed my options.
Upon full disclosure about all of the options available to me, I made the decision to have the hysterectomy. I understand that some of you may feel that this is drastic, but I am sound in my mind that this is what I need to do. That and considering my other options were to leave it, remove just it (with a 40% recurrence rate), or remove it and what it was attached to. It will be done and over with and I shouldn't have to worry about any more surgeries or it growing back or any of that jazz.
Just wanted for you all to know what was going on. Good thoughts would be appreciated on the day of surgery.
*fin*
29 May, 2009
Home
Since my last post, I have made it home safely. I'm back at my parent's place, and living life one day at a time.
I have also gotten braces. A very recent decision. Not because I have bad teeth, but because I have a bad cross bite. Photos can be seen here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2138101&id=71205595&l=1c93ec76ba
Not much else.
*fin*
I have also gotten braces. A very recent decision. Not because I have bad teeth, but because I have a bad cross bite. Photos can be seen here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2138101&id=71205595&l=1c93ec76ba
Not much else.
*fin*
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