I have measured where I am at and find myself wanting. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am in one place at the moment. And possibly for more than one year. I fell for the "free personality profile" on eHarmony only to find out that I have an "agreeable" attitude. But it begs the question: Why aren't I dating? I've always had a ready excuse as to why not. Unfortunately, like all excuses, this one has panned and I don't have another one with which to replace it other than: It's too hard to meet people. Mind you, I have not been known for being shy. But I have been known to be completely oblivious to the signals sent out by anyone in regards to interest. Blindsided more than once during my college years.
Most of this probably has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been in any kind of serious relationship with a human in more than a decade..or ever. Depending on how you want to look at it. It isn't like I haven't seen possitive examples of ltrs that work. I have. In my own family at that! I just don't know that it could ever be me. I have more warts than some and perhaps fewer than others. I know that I need to work on my faults, but it is hard. Hard to figure out how to let someone in and then if they hurt you, how to get over it. I've seen my sisters torn up inside because the feelings they had weren't reciprocated. One of the bricks in the wall I've built around myself came from watching that. Of not wanting to ever be that vulnerable. Of not knowing how to get through/over it. Basically it all boils down to my being a chicken. The instant someone shows any kind of interest in me I run in the opposite direction, even if I may be wanting to run towards it. My logical side has never taken a break. It shook me up when I was out on tour and someone pinned me to a t, stating that I had a giant eff-off wall built around me. Did it change me then? No. Can I change it now? I haven't a clue.
What I do know is that I am tired of being alone, and yet I'm not ready to open myself up to hurt. Like the hurt of being rejected for who I am. Do I even deserve unconditional love...or even conditional love if I don't know how to return it? I don't think I do. And until I figure out how to open myself up to something like that, I will be destined to be alone, regardless of if I like it. I know that I have cared enough for two people in particular enough to let them close to me, and after that moment, let them walk out of my life. My heart retains a small bruise for each of them, but the ache isn't nearly as intolerable as a break would be. It's surprising how well one can ignore the wants of the heart with enough practice. But the nights alone leave nothing but time for the heart to remind the brain that it wants what it wants without caution, even if it is unattainable.
05 November, 2009
15 October, 2009
Whew! Long time no update. SO sorry about that one!
There isn't a whole lot of new stuff going on in my life at the moment. I have healed from the surgery with no major issues, so that is a plus.
I have moved back to Oshkosh to work part time in the theatre department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Long title, that basically translates into running the shop and watching the chillen's that work in the shop. I have moved in to my apartment which is right down town in Oshkosh and I love it. It is a third story walk up, so that has taken some getting used to, but it also means that I have outrageously high ceilings that are gorgeous. It's approximately 650 square feet, so big. Everything except cable is included, which is a big plus. I have to pay for parking to the city, but that isn't that big of a deal, just so long as I don't forget.
And now that I am no longer moving and feel like I will be in one place for a longer span of time than 8 months, I am thinking of testing the relationship waters. Not that I am seeing anyone or plan to do so anytime soon, but perhaps it is time to give up being alone. I think this has more to do with the long quiet hours of the evenings than anything else.
I didn't know this, until I went grocery shopping the other day, but Pick and Save has a LARGE bulk food section! The only other place that I have really seen it is at Whole Foods, and they are kind of shishi. It is exciting and will most likely be my source for nuts and other odds and ends. They even carry soy flour! Though I can't imagine wanting to buy the flour in bulk as there is no gurantee that it isn't contaminated with another type of flour.
**fin**
There isn't a whole lot of new stuff going on in my life at the moment. I have healed from the surgery with no major issues, so that is a plus.
I have moved back to Oshkosh to work part time in the theatre department as the Costume Technology Supervisor. Long title, that basically translates into running the shop and watching the chillen's that work in the shop. I have moved in to my apartment which is right down town in Oshkosh and I love it. It is a third story walk up, so that has taken some getting used to, but it also means that I have outrageously high ceilings that are gorgeous. It's approximately 650 square feet, so big. Everything except cable is included, which is a big plus. I have to pay for parking to the city, but that isn't that big of a deal, just so long as I don't forget.
And now that I am no longer moving and feel like I will be in one place for a longer span of time than 8 months, I am thinking of testing the relationship waters. Not that I am seeing anyone or plan to do so anytime soon, but perhaps it is time to give up being alone. I think this has more to do with the long quiet hours of the evenings than anything else.
I didn't know this, until I went grocery shopping the other day, but Pick and Save has a LARGE bulk food section! The only other place that I have really seen it is at Whole Foods, and they are kind of shishi. It is exciting and will most likely be my source for nuts and other odds and ends. They even carry soy flour! Though I can't imagine wanting to buy the flour in bulk as there is no gurantee that it isn't contaminated with another type of flour.
**fin**
05 July, 2009
Parting of Ways
Hey there everyone.
I am writing this note to make all of you aware that I will be having surgery on August 4. 2009 to remove my uterus and the fibrous mass that is growing on it. While it is surgery, it is not dramatic, nor is is unexpected on my part. I learned about a month ago that I had a mass growing on my uterus and have since had a follow up appointment with Dr. AJ (Please don't ask me to spell out his name!) where we discussed my options.
Upon full disclosure about all of the options available to me, I made the decision to have the hysterectomy. I understand that some of you may feel that this is drastic, but I am sound in my mind that this is what I need to do. That and considering my other options were to leave it, remove just it (with a 40% recurrence rate), or remove it and what it was attached to. It will be done and over with and I shouldn't have to worry about any more surgeries or it growing back or any of that jazz.
Just wanted for you all to know what was going on. Good thoughts would be appreciated on the day of surgery.
*fin*
I am writing this note to make all of you aware that I will be having surgery on August 4. 2009 to remove my uterus and the fibrous mass that is growing on it. While it is surgery, it is not dramatic, nor is is unexpected on my part. I learned about a month ago that I had a mass growing on my uterus and have since had a follow up appointment with Dr. AJ (Please don't ask me to spell out his name!) where we discussed my options.
Upon full disclosure about all of the options available to me, I made the decision to have the hysterectomy. I understand that some of you may feel that this is drastic, but I am sound in my mind that this is what I need to do. That and considering my other options were to leave it, remove just it (with a 40% recurrence rate), or remove it and what it was attached to. It will be done and over with and I shouldn't have to worry about any more surgeries or it growing back or any of that jazz.
Just wanted for you all to know what was going on. Good thoughts would be appreciated on the day of surgery.
*fin*
29 May, 2009
Home
Since my last post, I have made it home safely. I'm back at my parent's place, and living life one day at a time.
I have also gotten braces. A very recent decision. Not because I have bad teeth, but because I have a bad cross bite. Photos can be seen here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2138101&id=71205595&l=1c93ec76ba
Not much else.
*fin*
I have also gotten braces. A very recent decision. Not because I have bad teeth, but because I have a bad cross bite. Photos can be seen here:
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2138101&id=71205595&l=1c93ec76ba
Not much else.
*fin*
08 May, 2009
Chez Philippe
Wow. My time here is almost at an end. I've been loving hanging out with my host family and seeing new things in Belgium. It is wonderful to have such loving people open their homes for you again.
I've been staying with Philippe, Laurence, and Melanie for the moment as Christian and Claire are on vacation. They are great! The first time I met them was when I was with Christian and Claire. At that time Melanie was four, maybe five, and incredibly lovable. She still is. I love her to bits, despite her flaws. She's hopelessly in love with Hannah Montana and the entire HSM crew. Specifically speaking: Zac Effron. Ah...the follies of youth. =) Since her birthday is coming up soon, I bought her the third movie in the HSM trilogy, and she LOVED it. I made her promise not to scream too loudly, but that was quickly out the window! I remember doing the same things. I'm sure that I will be buying/sending her little gifts far into the future.
Since being here I've taken lots of photos. Of Mela, the garden, the area. I enjoy photography and other people seem to enjoy looking at it. If you are interested in looking at them...here are some links (but please keep in mind that some of them are a work in progress):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2135162&id=71205595&l=32f413f26c
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2135825&id=71205595&l=258224e5f8
Philippe has been doing the pond from scratch. It's pretty amazing to see how much has happend. For a photographic history of his pond, follow this link (also a work in progress, so if you want to see the finished project, check back occasionally):
http://lebassindephil.skyrock.com/1.html
**sigh** A quiet night at the house, and tomorrow more adventures out and about the area!
*fin*
I've been staying with Philippe, Laurence, and Melanie for the moment as Christian and Claire are on vacation. They are great! The first time I met them was when I was with Christian and Claire. At that time Melanie was four, maybe five, and incredibly lovable. She still is. I love her to bits, despite her flaws. She's hopelessly in love with Hannah Montana and the entire HSM crew. Specifically speaking: Zac Effron. Ah...the follies of youth. =) Since her birthday is coming up soon, I bought her the third movie in the HSM trilogy, and she LOVED it. I made her promise not to scream too loudly, but that was quickly out the window! I remember doing the same things. I'm sure that I will be buying/sending her little gifts far into the future.
Since being here I've taken lots of photos. Of Mela, the garden, the area. I enjoy photography and other people seem to enjoy looking at it. If you are interested in looking at them...here are some links (but please keep in mind that some of them are a work in progress):
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2135162&id=71205595&l=32f413f26c
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2135825&id=71205595&l=258224e5f8
Philippe has been doing the pond from scratch. It's pretty amazing to see how much has happend. For a photographic history of his pond, follow this link (also a work in progress, so if you want to see the finished project, check back occasionally):
http://lebassindephil.skyrock.com/1.html
**sigh** A quiet night at the house, and tomorrow more adventures out and about the area!
*fin*
29 April, 2009
End of Tour
"Holy wow." to borrow a phrase from a friend. "Nemo" has closed in Europe and I am safely tucked away in Belgium for a few weeks of relaxation.
The end of tour was intense. There was a lot of drama. Words were spoken, tears shed, and final hugs good-bye. I managed to escape most of it, by choice, and tried to end it on a high note. I know that I have grown into myself a little more, and hopefully into a better person. I had my fair share of challenges, and hurdles to overcome, but now I can reflect on the past for what it is and take what I've learned forward.
As you may be aware, I am currently not employed as I have 'separated' from Feld. I've been looking into some other companies, sent my resume to a few, and been on the hunt for a little while. I'm hoping that something pans out, but if it doesn't, I guess it just means I'll be free for a little longer.
I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for not blogging more often, and to thank all of you for keeping me in your thoughts. I hope to see all of you soon...
*fin*
The end of tour was intense. There was a lot of drama. Words were spoken, tears shed, and final hugs good-bye. I managed to escape most of it, by choice, and tried to end it on a high note. I know that I have grown into myself a little more, and hopefully into a better person. I had my fair share of challenges, and hurdles to overcome, but now I can reflect on the past for what it is and take what I've learned forward.
As you may be aware, I am currently not employed as I have 'separated' from Feld. I've been looking into some other companies, sent my resume to a few, and been on the hunt for a little while. I'm hoping that something pans out, but if it doesn't, I guess it just means I'll be free for a little longer.
I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for not blogging more often, and to thank all of you for keeping me in your thoughts. I hope to see all of you soon...
*fin*
12 April, 2009
What's next?
Hey there everyone! I know. I am a bad person when it comes to updating blogs. Don't feel bad, I'm just not good at it.
At this point in my life I am again at a crossroad. I will not be joining the tour in South America. (Nemo was extended and is slotted to go there before starting a new year in the States.) Also because of so many shows closing, there may not be a position for me within the company. No, don't feel sorry for me. I look at this as a new opportunity to perhaps try something else new. Who knows, things could change in the next few weeks and I could be joining a tour yet.
With that in mind, I will be in the States for an undetermined amount of time. That gives all of you plenty of time to call/visit me!
I thought I would let all of you know what was in store for me, so there you go.
*fin*
At this point in my life I am again at a crossroad. I will not be joining the tour in South America. (Nemo was extended and is slotted to go there before starting a new year in the States.) Also because of so many shows closing, there may not be a position for me within the company. No, don't feel sorry for me. I look at this as a new opportunity to perhaps try something else new. Who knows, things could change in the next few weeks and I could be joining a tour yet.
With that in mind, I will be in the States for an undetermined amount of time. That gives all of you plenty of time to call/visit me!
I thought I would let all of you know what was in store for me, so there you go.
*fin*
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